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mog_warbeastI have recently invested quite a lot of time in typing up old diaries (from summer ’92 up until March ’98), for what reason I am unsure at the moment, except perhaps in case anything should happen to the paper versions. In places, this has forced me to look back over more than a few times that I would otherwise most likely have left alone. Now that I am essentially in a happy place, I seem to be in a position where I can accept that I have actually had a fair amount of pain thrown my way. I have mostly been of the opinion that nothing has ever really been that bad; that I over-reacted many times, but as I look back now, I think to myself, ‘no, I really have been quite fucked over, haven’t I?’ And it is making me so fragile today. The slightest thing feels like a knife in the guts. And I’m still thinking, ‘why should I cry? I’d just be indulging myself.’
Don’t misconstrue; there’s nothing wrong now. I’m just discovering that there is still pain where I thought I had healed. Why does it hurt so much to discover that people you thought of as part of you don’t feel the same at all? Am I tragic for thinking ‘How Beautiful you are’ by the Cure is so true?
Don’t misconstrue; there’s nothing wrong now. I’m just discovering that there is still pain where I thought I had healed. Why does it hurt so much to discover that people you thought of as part of you don’t feel the same at all? Am I tragic for thinking ‘How Beautiful you are’ by the Cure is so true?
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Date: 2003-05-02 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-02 12:09 am (UTC)I think the memories we have of painful situations get covered over with a mental bandage - it hurts too much for them to stay vivid in our minds. But looking back in detail at the way you felt and holding the evidence of it in your hands, like a diary, pulls off all the scabs.
It doesn't mean you aren't healed - if you weren't, you'd still feel like that *all the time*. But sometimes it's good to pick at scabs and reflect on past experiences, but it is painful. I totally understand what you mean about it making you feel a bit fragile. Once the scabs go back on you'll perk up for sure, but it sounds like you either *did* come really well with it at the time, or maybe didn't acknowledge it then, and now you are.
Anyway, indulging yourself++++ if it's only occasionally. Sometimes it's good to have a good cry, then a big nosh up and a wank :-)
I'll stop wittering now and shut up!
Am I allowed to say, *hugs*? Cos if I was with you I'd give you a big one! (oo-er)
Lucy xxx
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Date: 2003-05-02 03:10 am (UTC)Go write a book!
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Or was it going to the Dev...?
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Date: 2003-05-02 03:08 am (UTC)Plus NAKED ERIS!
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Date: 2003-05-02 03:32 am (UTC)http://www.livejournal.com/community/dictures/60213.html
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Date: 2003-05-02 10:34 am (UTC)And since I look 'fucked up', what do you look like?
Why not introduce yourself, and tell us all about you?
maybe if you had cancer, then I'd feel bad for you
but yeah, you're one busted looking broad with that silly ass shaved head and fucking loser tattoo ON YOUR HEAD!!?? What the fuck is THAT? GAAAAAAG!
Honey, grow your hair back and come over to my house and I'll make you up real pretty. you'll look just like me. (I look like Cinderella to answer your question. every boy wants me)
Oh yeah. my journal was motha_fuhzooka.
Re: maybe if you had cancer, then I'd feel bad for you
Date: 2003-05-03 03:59 am (UTC)Well, whatever else it is, it's not a tattoo.
I don't know ohgratuitous.
Where is your house?
Oh, and why would I want you to feel bad for me?
Re: maybe if you had cancer, then I'd feel bad for you
Date: 2003-05-05 07:58 am (UTC)Re: maybe if you had cancer, then I'd feel bad for you
Date: 2003-05-06 10:08 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2003-05-03 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-05 08:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-06 09:58 am (UTC)Hiya,
Date: 2003-05-05 11:00 am (UTC)But you knew that already I assume :)
Re: Hiya,
Date: 2003-05-06 10:06 am (UTC)Re: Hiya,
Date: 2003-05-06 10:26 am (UTC)Still looks nice though :)
Re: Hiya,